B and S are two of my best friends in Singapore. They are my secondary school junior. Maybe because we are from same city of china, we've hit it off ever since our first chatting to each other. S is a very pretty girl with a mild look, but a impulsive character. B used to be a bit tomboy look, and with a strong character as well. (She looks very girly now) There is one fact I must admit, S and B got along with each other better, they were so close that even S's mum once suspected that they were in a girl and girl relationship.
After graduating from secondary school, each of us was busy with own things. Although we didn't meet so often, we never drifted apart. Things changed in last year, my second semester in university.
That time, three of us shared same unit. At first, we were so happy that we could chit chat till very late and we could help each other dress up again. But things didn't turn out to be so nice. One night, S told me she don't want to be friend with B anymore, she think that B changed a lot and now B only knows how to use people. I was very stunned after I heard this, as to me they were always soul mate. I continued to ask S why, she said B was avoiding her and purposely never invite her to her birthday party and the only reason B called her was asked her to settle university administration problem (that time B was in China). And even worse, B deleted S from her Facebook contact.
I don't know what happened between them. The only thing I know is after that I cannot mention S in front of B, and cannot mention B in front of S. And I am always obeying this rule; because I think something bad was already happened and I don't want to hurt them twice. It was like I almost lost two very good friends. I want to solve the conflict between two of my best friends and until now I still cannot figure out a good way. Can anyone help me?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Conflict Between Two of My Best Friends
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Hi Chen Yan,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very tricky situation! As you do not know the entire picture, you will have to proceed very cautiously to avoid offending any of the parties lest losing their friendship too!
I also cannot think of any foolproof way to resolve this conflict with hurting any of the parties involved too! Perhaps, you could arrange for the three of you to sit down and have a good talk session to iron out any issues. You can offer a lending ear to hear them out. However, like the Chinese saying: 解玲还需系玲人, only when the involved parties take the initiative to try, can then the conflict have any chance to be resolved.
Hi Chen yan,
ReplyDeleteFrom what I understand, it seems there is a clash of personalities? Since you said that B had changed and probably S doesn't agree with her actions or personality. For this sort of personality clashes, it is highly unlikely that the conflict that can be resolved.
You can probably hope that B and S could be professional about it since all of you are living under the same roof. I agree with xiu qin that it is up to them to solve any grievances between both of them and you can only try to be a mediator if the time comes.
Good luck!
Hi Chen yan,
ReplyDeleteSomehow, stories like this seem to appear often (personally and from friends). Fortunately, things aren't as severe as you've mentioned in your post.
As I've learnt in PL1101E, people tend to reduce their hostility towards each other when they find that they have to cooperate and work together for a common aim. Maybe you could come up with a situation where both of them have to resolve their differences to solve the "problem" you have created. However, you should also make sure the situation you've created is feasible. If not, it would backfire and the situation will be even worse!
You could also find out more from each friend on why and how their negativity towards each other developed in order to better create the situation as I've mentioned above.
Hi Chen Yan,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, you need to get clear with yourself about what you want, and if you are biased towards either of them. What I mean to say is that you need to figure out if you really think one of them is wrong in the situation, or you think that both are wrong in some way (I believe in this one).
If its the latter, then what I would have done is call both of them and make them sit and talk it out. You should tell them that its getting weirder for you each day, since you cannot make a choice between both of them. You should remind them of the times when they were together, and things were great, and try to get them together.
There is no harm in trying to resolve a conflict, when you know that it cannot get worse.
Akash
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow @ the Singlish in this post.
ReplyDeleteS sounded like she was VERY offended by B's non-invitation to B's birthday party. I have to think that this is some 20th or 21st birthday, which certain teenagers feel is a significant life event.
From your point of view, S and B were very close friends, and others around them did think the same way. But, we do not really know what was going on between them as outsiders. Between them, the relationship might be more intimate than average.
If I were to hypothesize, from such a situation, it might be a one-sided love from S, and B was not comfortable with that. A clue was how S's mum (mentioned to you that she) thought S was in love with B. Thus, B started to avoid S and did not invite S to B's birthday party as well. S would take extreme offense at that, or be very hurt by B's actions.
To add to the insult, B only called S (assuming that B stopped calling S on a regular basis) when she needed help with her university administrative problems. Thus, S had an impression that B was someone who only knew to make use of other people, (who ignored people when they were of no use to her.)
If this is the case, as an outsider, my personal policy is to remain an outsider, until I find an opening to enter. One clue is that S (and B) refused to tell you what had happened between them. This I would interpret to be a sign for you to keep out. Of course, the real problem might be a totally different thing, but nevertheless, it appears to be a problem they rather not share with you at present.
Passive solution: you can give B and S time to (1) solve the problem themselves (2) become comfortable talking to you about the problem (3) become comfortable with each other again, able to talk but no longer friends.
Active solution: you can regularly question B and S individually on the issues between the two of them, sharing your feelings (of losing 2 best friends) when relevant. However, there is a risk that this backfires against you.
@Akash - No one is at fault in a misunderstanding situation.
ReplyDelete